So peaceful.. 

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Hi Brandy :) Not at all, sweet girl.. you did not offend me! It was actually kinda funny ... my 'peaceful bubble' popped !! :s *hehe* .. i did not dwell too long - you needn't worry ;) I am in COMPLETE agreement with you.. a common-law union is as much a 'marriage'.... absolutely! I've never thought otherwise. My husband and i were not very traditional (ya think ?!), when it came to setting a wedding date (but i've been engaged for 13 years!) and forking out thousands of dollars for that 'one day'- we were 'practical' and opted to use our savings for a house. Then later, after the house came.. we started thinking about a family. We were quite content (yes, we were..) as things were, and didn't believe that God would strike down upon us for adding the miracle of child, into the equation. I'm quite certain you believe and think, 'well, had you been married before the eyes of God.. you'd probably be happy right now' *hehe* .. and i'm quite certain you know.. i would disagree ;) Not everybody is a good communicator.. i was just lucky enough to get one ;) Don't get me wrong.. my husbands' qualities far outweigh the fact that he just doesn't talk. BUT... !! .. over the course of the years, it takes it's toll and one is pushed farther and farther away. You reach a point where you are exhausted for trying.. and little, by little.. 'indifference' sets in. That is just the shits (pardon my French..). And you stop. You stop doing the 'little things' .. and i cannot stress ENOUGH, how important those things are !!! My goodness, it makes for the dynamics of a relationship.. and it feels so damn good! When it's gone.. you are left with an emptiness. There is a satisfaction that comes from giving and receiving.. we all know that. When that is lost.. a 'purpose' goes with it. Our reasons for our marriage being 'stale', is not just because he is 'communicationally-challenged' (I don't think that terms exists.. but hey it's a good one! ) ... for almost 5 years now.. i have been kept farther and farther at bay.. sex was seldom. Did we discuss it?? Of course! .. I'd opened up to him i cannot imagine, how many times.. reminding him of my loneliness. I was sooooo lonely. By nature, i'm a very passionate woman.. in all that i do. I needed the love and affection, the warmth of a warm body on mine.. the tender and sensual moments, a man and woman share. I needed that. And i did without... for a very long time.. What will the future bring ? I haven't a clue.. no more than you. Dave and i are not completely oblivious.. We are grounded. We know fully well that what this is, is absolutely wonderful.. but . . . we are not seriously long-term planning.. but we can have our private little thoughts and fantasies - and we do. They keep us going, make things kinda fun - which is something we both lacked of HUGELY!! We are not (and did not) plan for two marriages to disintegrate.. find each other.. then run off the altar again :s .. omg! He is also aware that my first and most important factor to consider, are my children. They need me. So, i will live like this.. for however long. I need to know that they will be 'ok' .. that's all i want. Would i change things if they were older, and ready for the real world ?? You bet i would... in a New York minute!! ( or is that a 'second' .. i'm French, what do i know! :s *hehe) Best wishes to you and your little family !! :) ...... babies are wonderful! Have a great weekend.... -Nancy

Greetings in Christ Jesus! First of all, I would like to say thank you, Dave, for not only responding to my questions but also for letting me know through e-mail that you had responded. My baby is sleeping, so I've got some time to comment on your comments. :) No, I'm not from Texas...have never even been there. I lived mostly in Michigan, though I've lived in Virginia at various times in my short life, Colorado for 6 months, and Bermuda for 3 1/2 years. I am now in the southeastern part of our country, however. Sorry for the vagueness there, I'm sure you understand. So, Nancy and her husband never actually had a wedding or went to a judge or anything involving signing a marriage license? Oh. But even commonlaw is marriage...hence the term "commonlaw marriage." I'm not sure I understand your statement that your wife left you. I know you said that she moved out of the bedroom and went to another for 6 months, and would still be there if it hadn't been for relatives coming for a visit or something along those lines. But she was still in the house. Or are you speaking of a being there, but not really being there in the marriage kind of thing...like you mentioned in your answer to my first question? (forgive me if I'm not making much sense, I'm not feeling too well today. Been sick with a cold thing for over a week now...and I didn't get much sleep last night. Baby kept me up until after 2am.) Yeah, there is a lot of trash out there in the world and it does take a lot of spiritual strength to not partake of it. I've been saved for 1 1/2 years now. I've pretty much read the Bible all the way through (save the Book of Job and 1/2 of Psalms). I'm going to leave the Bible out of our conversation for right now...not because I'm trying to hide what I believe...but because I can answer your question without using quoting Scripture. It does not say word for word that once two people fall out of love that they must remain in an unhappy place. It does speak about marriages, and if you would like I could post the Scripture, but I won't right now. Your marriage vows that you took with your wife is a covenant...a pact...a promise...that you made not only to your wife, but to God. Think back to what you were agreeing to. Until death do you part. Until DEATH do you part. There are reasons stated in the Bible that God says is okay to divorce...but even then, it should be tried and tried and tried to be worked out. The Lord doesn't like divorce. The Bible even states that when a couple divorce, then get with someone else that they are committing adultery. (Yes, I have Scripture to back that up, if you'd like) Marriage is not something to be entered into lightly. I hope and pray that I stay strong in my Faith. That I keep believing and praying and hoping and staying in His Word. That is my desire. For I want to make it to Heaven. I don't want to go to Hell. Eternity in flames is a loooooooong time. I want to go to Heaven and worship my Lord and Savior for eternity. I know I'm young...and I know that I haven't been married that long...but I do know more than people are giving me credit for here. My parents are divorcing after 20 years of marriage. They've been seperated for 2 years now. There divorce was over long before they seperated. The reason they are divorcing is dumb. My mother has convinced herself that my dad is, basically, evil. It's crazy. Communication was lacking HUGELY on her part. Had they had Jesus Christ in their lives, they would still be together right now. Having Jesus Christ in your live doesn't mean it's all going to be daisies and walks in the park all the time. It's still hard, just like if you aren't saved. There is one difference. When you aren't saved, who can you turn to? No one. You just give up and search for a new love. (No offense here, just trying to illustrate a point) When you are saved and serving the Lord...when it gets tough, you can turn to the Lord. When it gets tough in our marriage, we come together and pray to the Lord. Believe it or not, prayer is POWERFUL...and prayer changes things. My happiness rests not in man anyways. Don't get me wrong here, I love my husband with all that I can possibly love him with....he is my gift from the Lord. However, man disappoints you at times. That's just fact. The Lord, on the other hand, never disappoints and He fills us (when you are serving Him) with abundance of Joy. Yes, I know it takes two people to accomplish communication. If there aren't two people involved, you're just talking to yourself. :) My husband and are aren't very different. We are very, very similar. Two peas in a pod. We have just enough differences to make things interesting. Why would you marry someone that is the complete opposite of you? Wouldn't you have very little in common then? I'm sorry that you think that the kind of bliss, as you put it, is unachievable. If you truly feel that way, then you are going to be terribly unhappy in every relationship that you have in the furture, if there are any more. Yes, it take both to work at it...but it's attainable. Yes, someone has to pay for things...but that doesn't mean said person has to make their whole life their career. There's something wrong with someone that puts their career before their family. I'm sorry, but there is. If you're saved, then the Lord comes first...then family, then career, then whatever else. If you're not saved, then you'd omit the Lord part. Grab a Bible and read Ephesians Chapter 5 sometime. That is how marriage is supposed to be. Servants to each other. The Lord is the Ultimate Head of the house...followed by the husband...then the wife and children. The husband is to treat his wife as Christ treats the Church, like a precious jewel. I'm sorry, but contrary to what you say, Jesus Christ signs my husbands paycheck. If He did not want my husband to have a job, then he wouldn't have a job. Look not upon the flesh of man, but upon the Spirit of the Lord. He is a bit more in control of things than anyone gives Him credit for. He created this Earth...and everything you see...what makes us think He can't control if you get a paycheck or not? Neither of you is leaving for the other. Okay. Why throw around the "love" word then? You both tell each other that you love one another. It just seems that things are a little more serious in your lives than what you are playing it off to be here. Love isn't a term used lightly usually. Then again, there are those that tell the guy they just met 5 seconds ago that they love him. I dunno... Yes, my husband knows about my sexual encounters before I married him. I didn't hide anything from him. Why should he trust me? Simple. That was all before I got saved...all before I got delievered...all before I allowed the Lord into my life. Things changes dramatically, instantly, and continually when you get the Lord in your life...if they don't, then I'd question your relationship with the Lord. I wasn't saying that either of you were serial cheaters...but if you both cheated on your spouses once, then what would prevent either of you from doing it again? Afterall, you said the happiness that I speak of from my marriage is not attainable...that would mean, according to what you said, that the happiness you have found with Nancy won't last either...what then? Also, NANCY: I wasn't meaning to ruin your "so peaceful..." post...I wasn't meaning to ruin your night...that wasn't my intentions...I was just posting my thoughts and questions...I wanted to make sure you saw them and I didn't know if ya'll checked your old entries for comments, so I posted on the newest entry. I appologize if I have offended you or upset you in anyway...again, that wasn't my intent.

This is to our God fearing anonymous poster.... We have each not taken vows before God. You know what they say about assumptions, don???t you? Btw???.where do you get off judging. How do you know I am even Christian. Christianity is after all only ONE of the major religions available to give yourself to. Who is to say you are correct? What about the overwhelming role society plays on the equation. You would be pretty dogmatic to state that only religion is a factor in marriage. We live in a world of laws, societal mores, customs, and traditions. I feel religion has taken a back seat to self discovery over the past few decades. There is more to than human experience than giving yourself blindly to a text that was interpreted and transcribed from Hebrew to English. Mistakes? Not possible is it? Don???t even get me started on King James creating his own religion to suite his needs. Perhaps I could do the same. One that states your own well being is important. One that states you have some level of control over your life. I would like to hear about your perfect world. How does everything fall into place with you. Would God take care of your depression if you lived with a spouse who emotionally kept you at a distance, or would YOU reach for the Prozac. Come out from behind your anonymous post and tell me a bit about yourself before you judge me. -dave

Brandy, I sense you are from Texas. Just a call, I am probably wrong. Let's correct a few misconceptions and assumptions first: 1) Nancy and her husband are common law 2) My wife left me First Question Is there a reason neither of you have sat down and told your husband/wife what you truly feel? How inadequate and unappreciated you feel. Absolutely. We have had more conversations like this than you can imagine. My wife and I both knew each other was miserable. After a while it became easier to just retreat to our own bedrooms and just 'live' together. Don't get me wrong, things were not toxic, in our house, but rather we walked around like strangers, brother and sister. I am not a religious man. I respect religion though, and people who have the strength to believe despite the shithole we live in called the world. Where in the bible does it say that once two people fall out of love they must remain in an unhappy place. Dear, you can live your whole life believing, praying, hoping???.and maybe it will bring you true happiness (I hope so), however it has been my experience that you will wake up one day, look around and say to yourself "How did I get here?". Where did my happiness go? I remember it as a fleeting memory. So distant, unachievable, until I took matters into my own hands. You are correct, communication is a big thing. A very big thing. The most important in fact. When it disappears, trouble is looming. However, it takes TWO people to accomplish this. Your ideals are great, and God would seem to be a panacea for you, however, in reality, usually both partner are very different people, and the kind of bliss that you talk about is unachievable without both people working full time at. This is unreasonable and does not happen very often. Inevitably there is always one partner who puts more effort into the marriage than the other. Usually one partner will be more focused on career (Someone has to pay for things)???..These are not provided, contrary to what you say, by anyone other than you. Second Question It seems as though Nancy, too, is ready to get out of her marriage. Have either of you ever wondered if you're just together because of the excitement of the secrecy? What happens after you're both divorced, if it comes to that, and you can freely see each other whenever with no restrictions (such as having to be home at decent time because of kids and spouse)? Or, on the other hand, what happens if Dave and his wife reconcile and Nancy and her husband get things together again? This is a very fair question. One thing though. Neither of us is leaving for the other. I am currently on my own with no one to really go to. The decision to leave or stay has to be your own. I could not take the tension in the house any longer. It was too much for me to handle at this point in time. It was my time to go. Nancy may or may not find her time. That is her decision. I will be there to support her in whichever path she chooses though. Third Question If both of your marriages ended and you could see each other freely....wouldn't it run through either of your minds that if the one cheated on his wife/her husband that it could happen again? That IS how ya'll met afterall... Your third question. You had sex with your old boyfriends relatives. Does your husband know this? Does he know you were with more than one partner at once, especially your old boyfriend???s cousin? Why should he trust you anymore than Nancy would trust me or vice versa? I am not judging, just asking. I am not a serial cheater nor is Nancy. This is a first for both of us. I trust her and I love her. No questions asked. I hope these answer your questions. I would love to hear from you again. I enjoy active, responsible debate. Good luck -dave

Alura... 'Launder' - to discharge or release. Yup, we're good to go, sister! :) ..... proper spelling and all. Damn..... you are good to have around! .... wanna do lunch? *hehe* -Nancy

Sorry.... that last one is directed to 'NoName' .. not 'anonymous'. Let's keep things right, here :) -Nancy

To Anonymous: For starters.. it was not I, who said she had a Christian background (we are Catholic, and that's gotta be the most screwed up, and misdirected religion ever ! .... so don't get me started),and secondly, i did not pretend to answer all the questions, and said so quite frankly. And THIRDLY.. I wish this Blog to NOT be a forum on Religion and religious ethics. Enough said. My children know about God.. but i first and foremost, teach them to be good people. You think i say that with a grain of salt ??? I don't. I have no problem telling you, that my choice to take love from another man, does not impede on my performance as a person or a mother. My children live with love - lots of it. I see to it, that they are happy, and see little of their mother's unhappiness. And last but not least .... yes i AM in control of my own life - or at least so wish to think i can be, thankyou very much :) Now... i have a birthday dinner to start prepping for.. you'll have to excuse me :) -Nancy

You say you had a Christian background? Then you should know what the Bible, God's Holy Word to His Children, says about marriage. There are only 2 reasons that are acceptable in God's eyes as reasons for divorce...one is adultery, which is going on here...no, it doesn't not give Dave and Nancy the right to divorce, but it gives their spouses rights to divorce....the second reason would be if they were told to choose between the spouse and Jesus Christ. Those are the only reasons....and, even then, I believe it should still be tried to be worked out. Marriage is a covenant between you, your spouse, and the Lord...it's not to be taken lightly. The Bible also speaks about what is going on here, adultery...and it's not good...it's a sin...and it is detestible in God's eyes. You have each taken VOWS before GOD....and you are both so quickly blowing them off just because you don't feel like putting the WORK into your marriages...the grass is greener on the other side kind of thing...just wait till you get over on that other side...your problems aren't going to leave you, they'll still be there, then you'll be looking for another fence to look over cuz the grass will be greener there. I fail to see where you have answered the previous posters questions, Nancy....I am quite interested in what you'd have to say to them in response... I pray that the Lord would send His vessels each of your ways to plant seeds and I pray that the Lord would water those seeds and you both would be saved for His glory...You both need Jesus in your lives...then you'd be happy...like the previous poster said, a marriage with Jesus as the foundation won't fail...that's not saying it's going to be a cakewalk...not even the Christian lifestyle is a cakewalk...nothing is...but the problems faced in a marriage WITH Jesus will be EASIER for the LORD will guide and direct your paths. Quit trying to control your own lives...you are not your own, as the Bible says, you were bought with a price...we are slaves of CHRIST...and He provides for all of our needs...He takes better care of His children than we take care of our own...

Did you spell launder correctly?? I always shy from that word... *hehe*

Goodmorning... Well.. i read your posting.. I do appreciate your comments - you are very well-spoken, and i identify with much of what you say.. and i have every intention on answering you. I really do. Energy. That's what i lacked last night. There was no way, i had the energy to re-visit all the issues that you mentioned. It completely depleted me, just to read it. Do you think that i live every day without guilt, apprehension, doubt, casting judgment on myself for my actions, questioning my driving forces, my ethics, values....?? I live it. I live every second of that. How can i not? PLUS.. you posted it in my 'PEACEFUL' blog...!? I was in a good place last night. My colleague in blogging, said it very well..... i could almost copout and say.. 'Hey, read HERS, and take it as my own...' . But i am responsible for my own words. Thanx anyways, Alura :) *hehe* I do not launder my personal life in it's entirety - nor do i feel i need to. You are 22 years old (i am 39). Hmmmmm .. that's how old i was, when i met my husband.. 16 years ago. My o my, how my life has changed. I have given birth to 3 children - the most beautiful and rewarding experience of my life.... 3 times! :) I too used to rush home to see my man... so in love. But people grow over the course of 16 years.. and some people grow apart. Sad, yes. But the saddest part, is realizing it and not believing you can change it, or deserve to. Well...... i have 3 children to tend to now. It's a school morning after all.. You know... getting dressed.. making them all breakfast.. lunch packing.. making sure that all the homework in back in their backpacks... wash up, brush your teeth, your hair... get all that gear on - it's still snowing out there... hurry! .. yer gonna miss your bus! 'Did you see my other blue mitt?? Mom? Did you sign that thing for me? Yes, it's in your agenda.. Where's my pencil case?? I don't want orange juice in my lunch - i like apple!' ' Busy, busy, busy........... You will now that craziness.... it is inevitable It's called experience. Talk soon, -Nancy

I am not one of the couple that you have dealt the questions to... But..I can tell you hun, marriage is a two way street! It can be wonderful and it can eat your heart out until you feel you have no soul left to give either God or the devil when judged. And I am here to tell you..it can also become a personal hell for the moral person, the one raised to believe that if you are good you will be rewarded. I had the bliss that you speak of in my marriage, I was the good wife, followed all the rules, witnessed the miracle of the birth of my two girls, and have raised them in a Christian home, but where in the bible does it say..I must be unhappy in the face of others happiness. I struggle daily trying to please all those around me, and to what end. Because I am not physically beaten, does not mean I am not being mentally harmed. I do have open conversations and communication with my husband....and all it brings is grief, he tells what he wants, and I try to please him. Many of the things he desires are not what I was raised to accept as normal. Is that a marriage? Am I too put up with that in the name of marriage forever? I remember a girlfriend once saying to me, "Never say NEVER!" She was warning me, that I could not keep up the good little wifey routine forever. But I shunned her attempts to throw red flags out. She wanted me to always be able to walk if I ever needed too. But, I was gonna be faithful forever, my marriage was going to be perfect, but, 20 yrs later, she was right, I can't make it perfect anymore, I am dying inside, and I struggle with the morality of wanting something for myself daily. Because I was raised Christian, saved, and believed that I stood before God to be joined in marriage with my life partner, it was written in stone~yet, I felt stuck, lost, pain...does God really want that of me? You do not know the details of course, but, I also have to compromise my morals to stay faithful with my husband, what he desires if done correctly will insure my marriage will last forever, not that i will ever be happy again. What does a person like me do, who wants to keep a firm ground for her children who are thriving, and growing into fabulous young women....but they have no idea the secrets that bind their parents together? I stuggle with the answers...and although I have remained faithful, I do not know if I can for much longer. If I decide to find a secret lover, to hold me, and allow me to feel love. And remain in my dutiful marriage because of family responsibility, financial stability, and community standings...in this day and age...am I really not just doing the best I know how to do. And..saving everyone around me pain. It is not what I wished for my whole life... I am merely trying to do what is best... My husband knows i feel this way, we have talked, he also saddly agreed, he can't be what I need...but he does not want to loose me. I am torn... But, whatever I do would be with a heavy heart, and many years of thought...and it will never be anothers right to judge my decision. Actually, good luck to you..sweetie, 22 yrs old, a new baby..GAWD...............I was there, it was wonderful, I do hope your dreams stay alive.

Here's my question...and I'd like to hear from the both of you, if possible.... I've read every entry...and I can understand, to a point, why Dave left his wife. I don't believe it was the right decision, but that's between Dave and his wife. I don't know too much about Nancy and her marriage, cuz she doesn't talk about it much in here...though I have caught the drift that she's unhappy. First question: Is there a reason neither of you have sat down and told your husband/wife what you truly feel? How inadequate and unappreciated you feel. Communication is a BIG thing in marriages. It doesn't seem, though I could be wrong, that either of you are truly communicating to anyone but each other. I understand that there's a lot that goes on in your lives that you don't share here...it'd be hard to share EVERYTHING....so, maybe the reading audience isn't getting those kind of details. My second question is this: It seems as though Nancy, too, is ready to get out of her marriage. Have either of you ever wondered if you're just together because of the excitement of the secrecy? What happens after you're both divorced, if it comes to that, and you can freely see each other whenever with no restrictions (such as having to be home at decent time because of kids and spouse)? Or, on the other hand, what happens if Dave and his wife reconcile and Nancy and her husband get things together again? Third question: If both of your marriages ended and you could see each other freely....wouldn't it run through either of your minds that if the one cheated on his wife/her husband that it could happen again? That IS how ya'll met afterall... Little about myself: I'm 22, married 1 1/2 years, have a beautiful 9wk old daughter, and I'm a Christian...have been serving the Lord for 1 1/2 years or so....and my parents are divorcing after 22 years of marriage. Before I got saved, I was only in one relationship...for 3 years...we were engaged, but a date never set and I don't believe one would have been set. I knew I couldn't marry this guy. Towards the middle or end, it got abusive physically. Didn't have the courage to leave. We had an open relationship of sorts...and by that I mean that he allowed other men into our bedroom...for me to have sex with. He was the first one I had slept with, but he had a friend that I was attracted to. It was his idea, not mine. That wasn't a good idea on his part because his friend and I hooked up every chance we could. His cousin and I fooled around once...as did his other friend and I. I didn't love him...I thought I did, but I didn't. Come to find out, he told me after I broke up and left him finally, that he had been sleeping around with tons of other chicks....I had suspected all along, but he always denied it. Now, I know that I haven't been married all that long...and I know I'm young...but I have finally discovered what true love is. It took me getting saved to truly find that out though. My husband and I have the BEST marriage. I love him with everything that I have. He can leave the house for just 2 hours and I miss him terribly. We have found that communication is a HUGE help. We talk about everything and anything. The other huge factor is a successful marriage, and I know it may not be received here but I'm gonna say it anyways, is Jesus Christ. Again, this may not be received well, but it's what I've discovered in my marriage...if Jesus Christ is the foundation, the marriage is going to work. I'm interested in hearing what you both have to say in response to my questions. I'm not judging either of you...it's not my place to do so...just tossing some questions out there for ya both. I have to go now, my daughter needs me...I'll check back for your answers...

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