Separation...... 

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This is my third attempt at writing this blog.. I don't know where to start.. Dave has had an amazingly challenging two days. His world collapsed around him. We are so depleted of energy.. We need our friendly reader, Alura, to know that we are 'OK'. Omg.. thankyou for your kind words of support.. ???so meaningful ??? they really are. Dave and I were saying this morning (we spoke on the phone), how wild it is that there are so many lonely and lost souls in the world. Why is that..? I'm going to try to keep it simple, this time. I go off on tangents, and before ya know it.. I???m exhausted from all the resulting heartache and downpour of emotions. You end up miles from where you started off. Then you???re tired??? so bloody, flippin??? tired. Christ, now there???s a blog for ya - 'Exhaustion'. Hhhhhhhhh??? breeeeeeeeeeathe. I think I can do this now.. Btw.. Stupid Horoscopes! :s I knew there was a reason I didn???t read those things.. :s Last night was a terribly sad night, for my friend and lover. The answer that he truly believed would make him happy, finally came. So very bitter/sweet for him. What he thought would bring him the most peace in his life, came.. but delivered devastation. She said it.. ???Separation???. He was crushed. How terribly fragile he was last night. He was shocked. God, my heart ached for him. As he said himself.. "This hurts so much for something i have wanted". How can one ever possibly, prepare oneself completely? You just can't.. it's a new emotion, not yet lived. You just can't predict how you will feel and react, to the effect of the words that finally spell it all out for you.. To Dave, his world had just crashed. There is no malice. They are a husband and a wife, a father and a mother.. who have 'suspected' that the life they believed they would have together.. most likely will not ever happen. They are crushed, from that realization. These are two people (like most of us out there) who lost each other, somewhere along the way. They still share a love for each other, they are friends.. they share an amazing common love - twice.. their two beautiful children. Dave is terrified. This is his huuuuge reality check. He is so afraid of losing out, with his kids. He's afraid of them losing out, on him. Damn.. I can only reassure him .. that all will be fine. I believe it. He has great stories to tell.. so you know that he's a dad who rocks..! They love him. No matter how time is divided.. he will continue to build with his kids. We were able to share in our planned Friday evening together.. I???ll tell ya too.. omg.. it feels so comfortable there. As soon as we are in, and the door shuts behind us .. we find peace. First thing we did, was just hold each other.. and we cried. We did a lot of that.. We needed more.. so we took our candles, our red wine, our cigarettes, and headed for that amazing tub.. . We soaked our tired and drained bodies.. we smoked, we relaxed.. and we cried some more. I just held my lover. Omg.. how i wished it all te be better, right then and there.. All day, my heart just ached. I???d not felt that kind of sadness before. It was an ???ache??? I had to try my best to hide. I tried. I immersed myself in my kids.. My eldest has winter camp this weekend.. so we finished packing up after school. That makes for one less at home. HUGE change in dynamics.. *yahoooo* We spent the day today, checking in with each other???. We spoke twice on the phone. We were just drained. I worried about him, in that huge house, by himself. I was lonely for him. I wanted so much to know that someone had phoned him - to see how HE was doing.. I'm comforted by Dave.. and he by me. Comfort. I love that. I'm so very happy i could be with him last night. He's a warm and sensitive man.. who wants nothing more than for his family to be happy. That's all. Dave is going thru an emotionally trying time. He needs kind wishes and positive thoughts, so that he may find his way thru this. The next little while, will be filled with challenges. We agreed that this was his mile to walk.. But I???m there along the way. What i want most for Dave, is peace. All will find it's way. I made love to my lover, last night. I comforted him. I held him tight. I kissed his tears away. I listened. I cried. We laughed today.. we actually broke free of this sadness.. and laughed. Damn, that felt good..! I miss him. We needed to stop crying.. we needed to feel good. We agreed that we would both watch an awesome ???feel good??? movie. I so thought of my him??? at the end, when ???Red??? was walking up that beach.. what tremendous challenges he???d faced.. and what a comforting site to him.. the image of Andy ??? his very good friend. See ? It???s that comfort factor again .. not too much to ask for in life.. I don???t think so anyway. And it feels so bloody damn good. Comfort. Contentment. "I will be my lover's best friend: a warm, loving and affectionate companion. I will look out for my lover's welfare. I will always try my best to be there for my lover". I???ll do what I can for my friend.. for as long as he needs me. I need sleep.. -Nancy

Alura, Thanks for your thoughts and your hugs :) I arrived home to a note last night. My wife had decided to stay at my parents and feels separation is likely the best route right now. Today was a hard day for me. We have a big house and it felt awful damn empty. I am working through this though. I have tremendous support from Nancy which means the wold to me. I will take this one day at a time. I am feeling more relaxed tonight. Calm. Thank you again for your concern :) It's nice to see that people care. -dave

I am a bit worried about you... I know this your journal is not a priority, but, please know you are in my thoughts... I hope you soon find comfort! Take care~ Alura

I can only offer a hug! I have been in those conversations with my husband...as you know we have remained together, promised to make a go of it, but at what cost. It has not been easy, and I still question my choices, of course I had no one to hold me if I were lest alone. I must say, there does come a time, when the choices get harder! The arguements, and teary eyed moments,are the lowest and saddest moments I can recall ever having! No doubt you feel a loss when you hug the women who holds your past, a history, and is the mother of your children, and know it could be the last time she allows it! Hugzzzzz.... Alura

I have been where you have been and all I can say is my cowardice or selfishness hurt me, my spouse and my lover. Figure out what the hell you want and tell everyone and take your lumps or reward or whatever. Iff you want to be married, be married. It's work. Do the work. If you want a fling, get unmarried first. Judgmental I know. But you are fucking everyone up, including yourself, and you will regret it sooner or later if you don't just figure out what you want and quit trying to have it all.

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